all the “desire” to understand any-thing (as well as no-thing) has completely
No ability to be in any other state than here and now in grace is possible –
or wanted or needed. No more ability to tell “stories”.
Words – literally – simply do not form.
This has been going on now for more than 10 years and it is taking place
more and more.
When “work” with people takes place.
“I” have not the least memory of anything what-so-ever, though the presence is clear as crystal.
During the process of work all is just said and done all by ITSELF.
Sometimes the person asks: How did you know that?
And I have to tell them: “I“ did not.
The answers to questions form by them-selves while they are spoken.
No mind in between to hinder, to check, to control or to interpret.
Information appears that “I” do not know in the sense of learned or remembered.
All that the ”I” has been trained to be is to be still and to fully trust that process –
absolutely and completely.
The information and perceptions are more and more subtle and deep.
Actually it is not really “information” or “perceptions”, it rather appears as a
“knowing without doubt”.
A knowing that makes you more and more humble while it arises.
What I notice is that silence and inner peace and truth and love grow
simultaneously every time this is going on.
It seems as if silence is nurturing Its-Self.
When my students, my son, or friends tell me some – thing,
this body sits – it does not even sit – in complete peace of mind.
Sometimes words form like answers – sometimes not.
I can see how the people relax, how silence and silence are in loving embrace.
Silence to me always shows Its-Self in the awareness of love.
One of my patients came – she did not know that I had been at the Retreat –
and said: “It seems as if ”things“ are gone, it is as if it is all empty here”.
Another said: “It seems so ‘sober’ all at once”.
My grandson who would always cry when he came close to me, now sits on
my lap for hours.
My son said for the first time: Now I really believe you. I can SEE it now…
All desire to “help”, all wanting to “do” has disappeared.
No more contraction…the Being – wide STILLNESS.
After the retreat, when I waited at the village train station for the train to take me
back to the Munich airport – it was empty of people.
Only silence and warm sunshine.
The dance of an almost formless transparent form embracing itself appeared –
rather of translucid light – dancing inside and outside.
And then I noticed that the air all around me was filled with the most beautiful
scent I have ever smelled in my entire life.
Like a thousand roses and more. Simply divine.
I looked around to see if somebody might have passed by with a very special
perfume – but I already knew that there was only me.
It lasted until the train arrived about 45 minutes later.
On the train back to the airport something was wrong with the ticket, the
conductor looked at me, gave me a smile and said: “I don’t care”.
Back in Berlin, when the scheduled time for meeting in satsang with people
arrived, “I” tried (!) to confuse myself:
What to do?? Cancel?
Remembering your words about “giving” satsang: there is still some-one
who wants to give some-thing.
Then out of silence arose: BE STILL.
Your face – as light – appeared, being silence, behind your face Ramana’s
face appeared and then – only a kind of goldish light in silence.
When I walked into the room, the room was crowded with people.
Nothing happened, only deepening silence.
Words appeared and disappeared without any effort. And silence.
One young man got up after an hour or so, shook my hand and said:
“Thank you for the love”, and walked out.
Later we saw the video: The will of GOD.
One man said only: “I love Eli.”
A few days later out of a diary fell a page from 1989, when a Brazilian
healer had said to me: “Stop healing so much with your own heart…receive !
more the healing in God…”.
The “I” then thought ! it had understood, and had evidently made a wonderful –
terrible spiritual ego-story out of this.
Today I can see the danger in being told by a teacher too early about
“what you have received”.
I had been given the title “Healer of the hands“ by Brazilian healers.
And the Ego, not fully ripened and fallen to the ground yet, had immediately
grabbed for what it thought to be approval and turned it into its “own” success. HA!
I can see now that up to the age of about twelve I had been in an unquestioned
state of bliss.
Except for the first two early years in Berlin, I had lived in the country side,
surrounded only by nature, animals and trees, flowers and forest.
I sometimes “remember” (I do not remember “me”, only the reactions of others
to my being) that up to that age it had been very natural for me to perceive what people thought and felt.
I perceived them in colours or in more or less clouded colours.
I could kind of “smell” their fears especially of death, which I did not understand,
because then they would be “home” again. Why were they so afraid.
Many so-called siddhis (light manifestations, sounds and voices, future knowledge etc.) happened. I could “see” many things.
Deep samadhi (unio with the absolute Divine, states of inner peace, states of no-mind, etc.) manifested.
The eyes could “see” beyond, the hands had healing abilities – as had my mothers’ –,
but this was natural, nothing I thought about.
My grandmother was like this. So why care or bother.
I had always known, but I was never all sure: Why and when had another “reality” (the ego-work) slowly taken over??
The “normal stuff” – today I would call it the ego-world and its values –
how people talked, what was important to them, how they acted “behind their backs” etc. – was deeply confusing to me.
I had thought that every-one was like THAT (the SELF, the Divine).
Why did they not say so, or act according to THAT??
They talked about Jesus, they said we should be like Jesus, but:
they acted different.
Later when I grew older and started asking them about this, people started to give me funny looks, laughed at me, doubted …. I even had to leave school for some
weeks because I had asked what a teacher had done during World War II.
IT (awareness of the DIVINE) stayed with me, but was kept more and more very secret – deep inside.
I only told Jesus and he would console my aching heart…
Only in times of “extreme outer danger” for others, IT would break through and take surprising action.
Never in any context where an “I” was doing, controlling or handling anything.
To the “I” it often felt rather embarrassing since I could never give reasonable explanations why and how I had known about the circumstances… which “I” of course had not.
I appeared at places when someone was about to commit suicide, got out of bed during the night to take unknown sick people to hospitals, was made to save people out of wells they had fallen in. And more of those risky situations.
Total strangers would come to me and ask for advice for their lives, and often
said that “I” was the one who knows…
At that time it felt very embarrassing, I was only a young girl, later a young woman, and often I would feel as if I was put in a position of authority that I should not be in and should rather be ashamed of.
But the shame never arose in the situation, only when I was asked or thought about it afterwards.
At the age of 16, shortly before I left Germany in 1958, taken by a teacher to live and to go to school in the United States, I had read Sri Aurobindo and about India. I was convinced that it is there where I wanted to live.
But India at that time seemed further away than the moon.
I had no idea how to go there and especially how to convince my guardian that this was what I then thought was my “destiny“.
In my diaries from that time I found two sentences that point at the world as well as at that what is not the world. The first statement which was written in 1958 said that I believed that all children at the age of 15 or 16 should live for at least a year in another culture and country.
Then war would no longer be possible in the world, because the then experienced love with the foreign people would no longer make war possible.
The second statement, written in 1959, is: “Maybe it is true what Quentin said.”
Quentin was one of my black friends from my math-class.
He said: “Maybe it is all only a dream, and you dream it, not you, but it is dreamt for you, and you are just the symbol that is moved by the dream”.
How wonderful. What an amazing statement.
Inside I “knew”, felt true, but at that time the absolute sureness in THAT had already
been veiled by the desire to be accepted by family, friends and society.
Nevertheless, whenever too much lying took place around me, Truth would still break through. But it was always followed by more and more trouble for me, and the ego at that time was not strong and healthy enough to bear all personal rejections.
Up to the age of about 19 or 20 I was sure I wanted to be a nun, but since I was not Catholic it seemed strange.
So the idea was either to study medicine and join Dr. Albert Schweitzer in Africa, or to become an artist. Maybe both? But since my grades in math and chemistry were not good enough I started University with English and German literature and a major in Philosophy.
1963 I wrote in my diary: “Please God, let me stay in the ‘ordinary – normal world’
for a little while. Let me be like every-body else, just for a short while. Then I will return and serve forever…..promise!” (In short..I wanted a boy-friend…I believe..and this and to serve the Divine at the same time seemed not to be possible…)
Time went on and years later my Jungian analyst finally confirmed to me, that he had seen most of that in me all the time, but he, too, could not follow me, when I was talking to him about BEING-NESS.
Those were the only times when he got uneasy with me and I could sense a deeper angry fear in him…I felt very sorry for him that he had travelled so far and not travelled all the way to the end, but his scientific and medically trained mind kept him in the prison.
But the experience pushed me back – beyond….thank “heavens”.
When Ken Wilber`s first book – the Atman-project – was published in the Seventies, I was then assured that there were others like me (people still in the body, not only Jesus and Buddha and ancient Saints) that I was not alone, and that the search was not in vain.
On the Berlin-wall there was an inscription:
Imagine there is war and no-body joins..!
Stell Dir vor, es ist Krieg und keiner geht hin.
This hit me like fire, and in 1976 I wrote an open letter to all people I knew at that time telling them:
“From today on, for me war is over. I will no longer join in any opposites such as men – women, black – white, stupid – smart, believers – non-believers etc.”
Some members of my family and some friends and colleagues at that time were now convinced that I had definitely gone mad….(the narcissistic ego, a borderliner etc.).
In 1983, in Jerusalem, in a dream that woke me up during the night in an old Maronite monastery, Jesus talked to me, telling me “to give up my disguise NOW”.
In my heart I knew what was meant, but it took many more “experiences” and many more years to get more and more sure of all that IT was NOT.
The next day after the dream the main speaker of the International Jungian Conference gave his speech. The atmosphere in the audience was filled with uncried tears, helpless anger, shameful guilt and much unspoken confusion.
It was the first time after the Holocaust that victims and victimizers sat together
in Israel. All this was unspoken, covered by the official ongoings of the conference.
But for the first time – without my personal “will” – TRUTH made me stand up in public with tears running down my cheeks, interrupt the official speaker in his speech and
say: “Stop, please stop.”
After a breathless silence and a moment of great shock in the audience – nobody interrupts an official lecture, this is not done. At that time the Honorary President of the International Jungian Society stood up, raised his voice and said:
“If you really want to know what “anima” (the soul) is, this was anima speaking.”
The wonder was that his name was Werner Engel, which is the German translation for “angel”.
The ego felt horrible, scared, overwhelmed, wanted to run away, hide.
But at the same time there was an absolute sureness that no matter what would happen in the outer world – end of career, end of my profession as an analyst, stigma of my mental and emotional health
Truth is more important than anything what-so-ever.
I believe I can say that throughout my life neither career, nor money, nor even personal love could hinder me from integrity towards truth. Of course, at times it was not yet as clear what that really meant as it is today. But I always considered truth the highest value.
When telling what was perceived as the essence of Jesus’ teachings to my friend,
who is a Christian Lutheran Regional Bishop, she said to me:
“My mind rebels like crazy, but I have to admit that my heart opens more and more, but it sounds as if you are destroying all I have learned….”. I deeply love her for that.
When I read the Enneagram for the first time I was overwhelmed and completely
torn apart for three days. I did not eat or talk or get out of bed.
But at the same time it felt like ”yes”, here it is what I have been suffering from all the time and had not really found the true reason.
A very profound Jungian Psycho-analysis had explained and inquired a lot but it never had touched the core-lie.
I had never believed what Freud had said, that “character” cannot be changed, but I thought that we are fixed to character by our “pact with the devil when we ate from the tree of knowledge and were no longer satisfied with the tree of life”.
But: How to return? How to solve the “pact of shame, guilt and blindness”?
Visions of many other lives especially with the themes victim and victimizer came to the surface:
I could realize the way how we victimize one another and ourselves. In dreams and in meditations I could see how I did all this to my SELF, my-self.
The “contract with the devil” showed its face more and more. The word in itself says it: contract-ion. And then: The word: helpless… help – LESS!
(the place where the Retreat with Gangaji and Eli Jaxon Bear took place).
The letters to you in Kisslegg, your stroke over my hair and then your piercing eyes looking at me, while saying what satsang is not!
And: The movie shown there, “A Beautiful Mind”, brought up the ego-fixation and how it had formed back to the roots. Never before had I experienced it so clearly.
During the war – World War II – my mother, pregnant with my little brother, together with the housekeeper and another woman were raped by Mongolian-Russian soldiers.
The housekeeper died and my mother`s mind went mad. I was next to her.
My French-born father killed himself in 1950, feeling he could not survive personal problems and the pain and the feeling of guilt for not having saved enough of his Jewish friends. He had saved some.
After the war we moved from the country side to a place only about 50 miles away from Kisslegg.
I was my mother`s mother taking her to bed every night and having to promise that no Russians were under the bed, behind the closet, under the table etc.
And that was when I got so terribly helpless and so terribly angry, that she did not believe me, that the Russians she now saw in her mind were not there, even when I pushed the chairs, the tables etc. away. She would then fight with me, hit me, but that did not really bother me.
Why was she so stuck to her mind that bothered me.
She finally killed herself in 1954.
Before she killed herself she had looked at me with eyes full of: fear, guilt, a pleading for forgiveness, shame and complete helplessness. Before she was taken away, I made a promise to GOD that I would never give up before finding out truth.
Later, in 1982 – during a first profound awakening to Oneness I renewed a Boddhisattva vow I had made many lives ago…
During the years I studied at the Academy of Fine Arts – in the early sixties – learning how to draw and to sculpt – the intense longing diminished a lot. The burning was put into the arts.
The philosophy major had up to then not really answered my burning questions about God and about life.
But the personal, collective and political questions of the late Sixties and an unhappy marriage to an Osho-Sannyasin brought it all back: What is this all about…
So I studied psychology and later trained as a Psychological Jungian Analyst,
to find answers – and to avoid – that question and that helplessness and that anger.
The “I” turned it into the answers of “helpless helper ”.
That worked for a few, exciting years, but: deep inside I always knew:
No, all that is not really true, it is not the end. There is beyond. I was only able to name it “beyond”.
It is all only an inter-pretation. It is not love – not essence – not true Beingness.
In a dream I was shown that analysis looks much like the real, but the closer you come the more it is realized as fake, as only an imitation. Lots of tears, helplessness and disappointment
The life-long question: what does the “am” in “I am” mean, remained.
It was answered in the mind, but there remained this burning question:
What IS IT really.
How can I “return” into that whole state of Being that I had experienced before the age of twelve.
Is it a “return” or is it an evolution? A re-gression, or a necessary differentiation and evolutionary process?
The “story” of loved ones killing themselves and/or going mad repeated three times during my life.
When my lover-man killed himself in 1989, for the first time “I” could completely stay out of the “story”. It had taken an immense three year inner hell-fight if “I”, in the role of Jungian psychoanalyst could – should – would stay true to love or to the role and its implications.
(How can she love a person who commits suicide, what will people then think about her state of mind etc.)
When I was informed about his death the first words I said were: “His death has finally given the present ! of life fully back to me.”
The people around me said that they noticed a very subtle change in me in front of their eyes.
When I inquired what was the life-long lie of my life I could now realize that I had always wanted to get rid of the SELF because it took me away from the love of the others… that is what I then thought.
It was true and false at the same time.
I had not fully understood at that time yet, that love is nothing personal, but that IT is always im-personal. That as long as love is perceived as “my love” it is a desire projected on an object.
It cannot be true love yet but still is a desire.
Now the serious inner search without betrayal really started to deepen, I no longer cared about the “outer”.
My son stayed the truest friend, he never would accept any lies.
When he was nineteen he had written a letter to me that love was neither personal nor any-thing, that it just IS, and that the rest is just personal story, (he is now in his
Simon, I love you.
I then went to Brazil, later to Asia.
When I returned from three months in Asia the body became very sick.
I knew that this was an inner process taking place, and that it was necessary and it was fully accepted.
During six months in the hospital all meaning of the difference between pain and suffering was experienced and revealed. It went very deep into the millions of lives of suffering, of the human race, the animal lives , the plant lives, the planetary being, and that of women in particular.
(I think that is why I had to come to you in the form of female.)
After that I dropped all traditional, conventional, psychological etc. answers and jobs.
And now: Grace took over.
I was “put” on a seven-month pilgrimage.
No money, no understanding, no nothing, but all was given.
Support was everywhere.
Some friend had given me Eli’s Enneagram book, saying: “I think this is what you should do.”
For many years I have been practicing and was being advised by Teresa of Avila’s
and John of the Cross’s books.
Maybe I should mention that since about 10 years ago every desire for any sexual experience has gone, after a very happy and fulfilling sex life.
I was so glad that you have talked about your experiences, since all my friends said that this could not be “good” but I was absolutely sure that the desire had simply ceased from one minute to the other, with no outer incident.
Also all desire for outer or inner “entertainment” simply does not exist any-more. And since this time I feel so free, never lonely or depressed, all states of mind common during the time of “desires”.
And then: The question of a living outer teacher arose.
It troubled me for a while thinking what Krishnamurti had said – there is no outer teacher. (how right and how wrong…)
And also the saying in the Bible: do not make up an image of GOD. (how very true)
Gracefully TRUTH had taken me safely through all the new-age stuff…
Only to teach me more what THAT is NOT.
I had no information about you, Gangaji, or Papaji. Ramana I had heard, but he was not in the body.
On the pilgrimage some young man who had just returned from India from Papaji gave me his books. He did not really get it and thought I might want to have them.
Thank you, Thomas!
And there it was what I had been longing for almost all my life. It felt like: Finally someone says what I think, feel, felt, thought, had in many ways experienced.
This man speaks the TRUTH and nothing else.
And he – finally – tells me what to BE : STILL !!
This was much more precise than Yogananda, (less siddhis – more the REAL)
closer to the heart than Sri Aurobindo, (deeply absorbed in the “experiences ” of the super-mental…),
and less wrapped up in beautiful pictures as in the Sufi teachings (whose teachings are still dearest to my heart).
It rang the bell, like Jesus had always done.
I will go there and just listen to him until all is burnt and vanished. And I wanted to buy a ticket, only to find out that Papaji had just died a few days ago. 1997, September 6th– on my 56thbirthday.
I told him NO.
According to “my story” I decided that all people “I” feel close to…die. How true and how stupid at the same time…
And I gave up on a living teacher in person.
Back to Teresa and to John.
“Thy will” was not questioned, and if that was what should happen – or should not happen, okay.
After I returned home from the pilgrimage (very surprised that I did at all) more deepening of the Enneagram-training. Up to then there had only been this little Eli-book and one Helen Palmer-book.
Got other books, worked a lot with many groups. Was receiving deep insights and information on the Enneagram by grace (especially the Enneagram and the chakras).
Did not like the wordly misuse of the Enneagram, (as was to be expected…)
Felt a little weird to walk all alone – but fine.
And then in one of the Ennea-groups there was this student, and she said “Gangaji”….
I had no idea what or who she was talking about. She was very surprised that I had recommended Eli’s book but did not know.. Gangaji.
But: Immediately I loved the sound ! of that name.
The bell had rung again….
I found out about Om C. Parkin, went there, but some-thing was “wrong”. But: The in childhood experienced states of deep samadhi took place again.
I remember that I was scared to death that I would go crazy – and what would happen if nobody would realize that I was not really crazy…. but then I could say okay to that.
And then – before all memories ! were gone – I saw all my lives return and then all lives ever return into the heart-chakra as shadows.
It looked like a long endless stream of beings moving back, returning at first very slowly and then very fast.
People present told me that I had had wide open eyes and that the face had changed from baby to ancient all the time and that I had uttered all the time:
Oh my god, oh my god… … I love you I love you.
I remember vaguely, that after an hour or so – they told me the time – I was staring in complete wonder at “a thing” that formed out of no-where and that it could move. It turned out to be my own hand…
When-ever, where-ever, totally unexpected, it happens again – it simply does.
I am not in an “unconscious” state any longer.
It feels like then being the True and seeing all the Un-true, but only love and compassion.
Not as “feeling” but as Being. But now, nothing “happens” anymore to “me” or “with” “me”, “I” am no longer apart from that, only expanding Silence and Being.
I can only describe that from here now… trying to make it plausible to you…
Then the retreat at Lake Tahoe.
At Tahoe, one morning on the platform, after a nightmare of doubts and fears and especially shame, looking at a very old man whose body mildly shook with parkinson shakes and who was having breakfast, a very strong light and power took over – my heart, the body, my whole being burst open, beyond, expanded like the universe.
Later all people present told me that “I” (who!?) had sung and danced in complete adoration and devotion to the Divine, they all were in tears, hugged and kissed. ”I” have not the least memory of this incident.
After it: Only unmoving silence and complete wonder, I had no idea what food, or drink or any-thing was. One person said “eat” I had no idea what he meant…
After the Retreat I went to Yosemite-Park and it was often hard to drive. It sometimes felt like an incredible pain, but it felt like eternal pain was dissolving, not contracting.
And I would stop and just sit and experience, because I felt the intensity of this
state of being: Wonder – full.
Since then the body seems to be very, very sensitive and more like water than like flesh and bones…
I need much more time totally alone..which is devoted to drawing hallelujas and singing hallelujas..and writing poems which “I” do not write.
Or simply being still and
It is now as if “I” remember “I” not very often.
And many letters to you – and deeper and deeper.
After that Retreat no shame and doubts, what-so-ever, ever came back.
Until Kisslegg, (the small village in Southern Bavaria, where the Retreat took place)
I felt that there was still some -“thing” taking a place, but it was impossible to figure out: What is it and where – and how does it hide???
When I thought I had gotten hold of it, it disguised even deeper.
My son often said so, he could see it, he tried to explain it to me, I even went to a therapist again, but I could neither understand….nor inquire.
It simply slipped away into the dark leaving me more and more helpless, and in the “vast” of darkness, emptiness and not knowing…..
A retreat was scheduled,
I will go there…
Then you broke your arm….
and then it was cancelled
To come to the States, too expensive….
Today, from another level of consciousness I think that it was all very well arranged by consciousness ITS-SELF…
It had to be Kisslegg….
Then Kisslegg 2 (a year later):
I wrote this letter to you about satsang.
(I asked for the permission “to give”…satsang… autsch….)
While writing it I had to write it the way it was written. While writing I already knew that this was totally arrogant-ignorant and that it was not what takes place.
I was made to write it this stupid way, and: to give it to you.
Then you walked in – and your hand went over my hair, it was like heaven – and a minute later you looked at me, and your eyes pierced through all veils to the core, and you said: what satsang is not..
And then: There it was…. I wrote to you after it, about the anger of being rejected… but it still did not make sense yet.
The “I” for years does not feel angry anymore when “rejected”.
What WAS IT????
I had always been convinced that one has to solve all contraction ever, which is to travel back through all the hells, all the traumas – individually and collective – in order to realize the state that has never been touched, has been there all the time, timeless.
On the way home the prodigal son has to realize all hells, in order to embrace the loving father and be embraced in complete innocence.
As is so beautifully described in the Bible and as it is in the Tibetan Book of the Dead.
And this is where western psychology could be the poison that cures its own
poison…. if it had the humbleness to see that…..
And then the movie shown at the retreat:
“A Beautiful Mind” pushed me: into it – out of it.
It was the immense feeling of helplessness covered by a raging anger to reject
TRUTH ITSELF – LOVE ITSELF
And that is how the ego then built up and decided to find a way how “to help
GOD in the world”.
The next day when Eli asked the group to play the game with the shadow I knew, without shame or guilt or any interpretation or re-action at all:
No. I am no longer taking part in any games at all, ever.
I simply sat on the floor – unmoving.
You then sent Padma (one of Eli’s devotee’s) down to me.
I told her all that is said in this letter and she said something very beautiful to me:
“After the enlightenment the Buddha sat under the Bodhi-tree seeing all the shadow – desires coming up. And he sat until all was swallowed by love and nothing but love remained.” And I simply said:
“Yes, that I will do, too.”
Thank you with love, Padma.
At the evening satsang she came back to me and brought me that beautiful picture of Krishna – in the appearance of Ananda, spiritual bliss – that wonderful present from your heart to my heart that now is put up in my bed-room.
I can see now how all this had to take place how it took place, in order to take the
“me” back through all this personal story in order to dis-cover home.
And obviously this is an endless way as long as in the body, I will stay completely
true to IT…
Now it is no longer a child-like “promise” but a total surrender, a total devotion, and a complete marriage which will never accept a divorce..ever! basta, Halleluja.
When I spoke at the beginning of the retreat to you, I remember that much to my own surprise I said that I had noticed when you entered the room that the honeymoon was over and now the serious marriage had begun without a divorce ever.
The next day in morning satsang an inner cleaning and brushing in silence took place, some people might call this the transmission, but I can only say what happened to me.
It looked as if a brush out of light such as is used for cleaning bottles brushed all inner and outer, all cells, all genes, all tiniest material pieces.
It seemed to last like eternity.
And then grace lifted the body up and took it to your feet.
“I” only noticed that I had gone there when walking back to my place, and that you
said thank you to your Self and to my Self. To Our-Self.
The deepest revelations of more and more truth happen now. I cannot speak
It is so secret and so open that I feel only to try to put it into words or symbols
would change it into blasphemy. I can deeply understand why you said at Lake Tahoe that you rarely “speak” about love.
Only to you I can say that the meaning of war and pain in the material world was revealed.
The “revelation” threw me out of bed to the floor during the middle of the night.
It is so obvious that all “the examples” in the material world are shadow – “examples” of the REAL as Plato tries to describe in his example of the slaves in the cave.
As happened one day when the secret of ”I-I” while reading Ramana hit me like
the sweetest and most superior divine hit. I cannot speak words of this.
Many poems poured out of the deepest heart, but they are all in German.
I wanted to sing them to you in Kisslegg. I always do in my heart.
This wanted to be reported to you.
I am not able to express how grateful I am.
Your heart is my heart. My heart is your heart…..
So all I simply can say:
I love WHO YOU ARE more than my life.
Thank you for who you are, thank you for who I am.
p.s. I forgot to say thank you so much for sending Padma to me…
Later I realized that you and Eli were sitting there all the time.
How careful the true divine is..tears of compassion and deeper devotion.
Oh Gangaji, I love you.
Now at the end of this letter:
I have no idea, why I was made to write it to you… I send it because it is written.
In deep love
when the letter dropped into the mailbox…..all all all was gone
end of story
the end of God
the end of…me
no return to any-where
this IS un-known
IT does not feel like….
IT does not compare to….
IT is nothing that makes any sense…what-so-ever
I am still
even still is only a word
THAT …… THAT
This freedom scares me …..
It is so huge
So still so unknown so endless so divine
no end no…no…no-thing
or what …..that….
Now I sit….
where am I
I do not know
Only here…… now.
and I know that I love you
because my heart trusts you
because you are
not even because……
while writing this…
love expands..out of into no where
is that why I had to write that long letter to you…
tears are in my eyes..that is now
and love love love
I am on my knees
scared and totally un-known
love-death…death…love….as serious – true as can be….
“good bye my love good bye….”
I am all yours
that I do not know….
The minute the letter dropped in the mailbox – all was gone…
It was as if with the report of the past the past itself had gone.
No more possibility to tell anything of this past life again, ever.
And I looked or was or saw.. how do I know..into out of NO-THING…
No more God no more devil no more any..thing and no more me..at all.
I wrote into my diary: this is when Nietzsche went into the dark..
No-thing happened…no-body; no mind went into or out of dark nor light …
The plane flew to Ibiza, the Spanish island.
The state of no-thing, no-mind remained.
A sentence from Meister Eckhart was in a book:
“If you arrive there, stay there and be completely still.”
As you always say: “Don’t move “
As I did, and so I did.
Five days later, on a table in a restaurant near the beach..
out of this – No-thing – Beingness burst… shouted..: I AM HERE.
When I returned to Berlin almost two months later there was a letter from Beloved Gangaji.